Thursday, June 15, 2006

Indoland or bust 10

7th June onwards

On a beach out of reach somewhere very far away!

Well soon to be anyway when we all depart for our Indonesian debrief session at the seaside!

I cannot wait. After all this city action the chance to relax and bask in the sea like a randy whale is all too good to be true. But of course there is some uber bollocks of a leaving Malang ceremony organised by the locals for us. I know what it will entail. Loads of speehes by people trying to look important and many hands to shake. Also maybe they will try to make us sing again, not on your bloody nelly mate!!!
So whats has been happenign of late then? Quite a lot I cxan assure you. So now get ready for another marathon of mine recollections as I embark on my Indo bimbo journey into the unknown. You have better had your larium because you are going to need it!
The other day a few of us decided to visit Singosari temple on the outskirts of the city. I had been there before when Mr. Lamide decided to drive the blood bus up to it for no reason. But this time we invited the entire team and yet again only our 'exclusive group'! Oh yes our littl eband of frineds have been branded exclusive. This is yet another fantastic example of how blind the supervosors are as the Indo have their little 'we love to go to the mall' group and the ';uber religious prayer group'. But as they are not British they get away with it all and as we funnily enough are Brits we get the flack for it. Its a real case of not seeing the wood for the trees and the pot calling the bloody kettle bacl. I hate all this bolcoks and this programme has really throen up loads of ludicrous bollocks! So anyway back to Singosari. We rocked up and explored the ancient ruined temple. I clambered into the catacoombs and the insense made my eyes water. We explored and tried to dodge Malang tv who juts so happened to be there. Everywhere we go there bloody mini van is already there filming some bollocks or asking us for an interview. After my vagina antics I am not allowed to speak to them any more. But I have, ha ha. I even said that Mlang is a wonderfully egregious city on camera!!!!!!!!
Singosari is a small village area within the city outskirts. This is an odd composition as you get the old traditional bel embellished horse pulling carts with a shouting man with a large whip on the reins next to a modern and quite luxurious buliding. It truly is a contrast, and then you see the temple.
When we were walking away from the temple some man came up to me and showed me a picture of a giant pot bellied Buddha statue. Low and bloody behold and how the nutcrackers had I missed it before was a massive buddha staute juts 100 yards up the road. But as we appraoched another one popped into view. I couldnt resiet bt yo go up close and rub his rotund belly! The other day I caused Indo squirms when I gave full cuppage to a gint gorilla statue in a garden that had a wee willy winky poppoing out. It was raing and there I was posing with his little fella in my hand. This was like a true sin to the Indos who rolled their eyes and gasped!!!!!
On the way back we found a delight ful little shop seling bronze casts of Buddhas, woven bags and carvings galore. Hoogie then bought his second drum of the Global xchange programme (yes it is spelt stupidly with juts the X), how the devil is he going to get those two big buggers home!!!! Anyway we were checking the merchandise out in the shop and fingering the stupa statues and playing with a model of vishuns bottom we noticed that art the back of the shop a rather strange cermony was in progress!
What was this we all wondered and the five bandits in crime looked on (Katie, Faemondo, Hoggie no show, Daisy Duke and your humble narrator). Suddenly they saw us loking and invited us into their home to gate crash what would turn out to be a traditional Javanese wedding. This stragne but enchanting spectacle was one were the groom was no where to be seem and the door to a lrge cermonial and matremonial bed was left ajar. The priest man in his Javanes attire with knife in belt little pointy hat and a microphine spoke while his silver pocket watched dangled on it chain. The bride was sitting in what can only be descirbed Indo scantily clad atttire, in other words her shoulders were showing. Oh heaven forbid she was showing flesh, run for the Hills Indos the flesh is out. Dont look boys you may go blind! Well she sat there and was being fed shot glass after shotglass of translucent liquid. What it was I nevr discovered but I suspect that it was Holy water. Anyway we couldnt fathom out whether it was an Islamic, Buddhist or Hindu wedding as statues from all those three faiths littered the scene. A large mainting of mecca hung on the wall, a astutue of buddha sat on the floor nest to Shiva and Vishnu dancing. So it was life the title charester from Liufe of Pie in a sence!!!! Sorry got all bookish then!
we watched but I felt quite uncomfiotbale as I was standing there in my cut down shorts and a scraggly old Indo sun bleached t shirt with my mighty boosh of hair waving around like a beast from the East,, while all the Indo's in attendance were dressd in beautiful flowing white silk garments. Even the men. So we all snuck out throught he kitchin with strange expressions on our face. We waved as we departed and then skidaddled back into town via the multi coloured angkots almost being run over en route.
Since then I have been rather actively popping into other peoples work placements to help out with small Community action days and help with odd jobs. We rocked up to SKB which is a school for homeless and street kids and helped hoe the garden. A day with a hoe, can you imagine anything more fun than spending time with a good old worn in hoe. Oh there inuendos will get me into trouble. I muts tell you that if you ahve a younger host brother of sister in your host house then the ciorect term to address them (you never use first names here) is to call them 'dik'. Yes you can say morning dick to your host brothers and sister. Any one else is called, Pa (man), mass (bloke of your age) or Bu which is for a married woman! So you never say morning Dave or hi Fred how are ya. Oh I want a Razil shirt with FRED 21 one the back of it. I love the fact that Brazilians have fantastic names such as: Ronaldinho, Ronadlo, Roberto Carlos, Kaka (ha ha) and Robinho. But also in the Brazil squad it Fred. What a legend, what a name!
Well we worked in the blistering sun at SKB while some man wanted to taklto us about business. This has been happening to rather a few of the British volunteers recently. Poeple claim to be from the local government but in truth they are people who want to get a token Bule (whiteperson) to help promote and sell their wares!!!! While we worked in the garden at SKB sprinkling seeds in the soil and hoeing away liklt the bitches we are a random man with an uber tash helped out. The reason I mention him at all is that his t shirt is the stuff that legends are made from. His t shirt said 'Wako University'. There really is a university called that in Surabuya. But do you have to be a complete wako to go to it? I guess so as he fit the bill fantastically!
Apart from SKB I also popped along to help finishing the painting at the YPAC school where another volunteer pair ply their trade. The art centre lads have turned the place into one massive mural and I look on in envy as the painting is too good to be true. Its horrible jealously, but I am so jealous of their talents with a brush and a palet. Oh I wish I could paint like that, but alas I cant so I befriended them all instead and put my jealousy aside.
Our 'team' had a large scale CAD (Not as large scale as pagelawan) at a place called Budhi Mulyah. Thi is a school for blind people from 15 to 35 years. There we helped plant the garden, leading the students by the hand and helping them to rummage in the soil was a great experience and I loved it. But the best part was that the school traisn the older students how to become massueses! It was great as we all got massages and bloody hell the bloke who did me ripped the shit out of my calves. I couldnt walk after wwards. But stupidly I hadnt learnt the Indonesian for 'not so bloody hard' before hand. We all lay on the beds in a long row as Ibby bloody filmed us and zoomed in on Miftah's special areas decalring that he had a chopper! Later Miftah said to me 'what is chopper', when I told him his face was disgusted! I hobbled from the masaage rather embarressed as I fell asleep and got a semi on. It was so embarressing to do so, but the bloke was blind so wouldnt notice. But he massaged my arse crack and loved to fondle the cheeks. Dont worry this happened to all of us and the girkls quite enjoyed it, but some wont admits it. But they all looked flushed afterwards. I was ripped to peices in my legs as his Iron rod fingers had destroyed my legs. So now walking was hard going!
Relaxation has been few and far between in Mlang now. The fact that we are all busy prevents us from getting any rst. But we have found the time to sit and chat over numerous coffess in OEN the dutch cafe. It is like cheers in there as everybody knows your name. The staff seem to like us and we can joke with them and play jellow jilbab (same as yellow car). The customers are mostly affluent sods who sit poking their noses at us whle we sip the cheap drinks. May of the clientele are old ex pat Dutch people. They come in all shapes and sizes from young to the grotesquely chubby who fill the wicker seats and the floor around them. Bulding bellies hanging over their knees. How do people let themselves get like that? One Dutch bloke looks like Groucho marx as he actually has and I kid you not got a painted on moustache! What a legend! He loves to talk to me as they all think I am an Australian. I keep telling the people there and only yesterday aid it again, that I am 'Ingriss" and not an Aussie! But apart from OEN we founf another cafe. In Buddhism they have somehting taht looks very similar to a swaztika. This is adormed all over this cafe. So we call it the Nazi cafe or Hitlers rest! But they serve coffee with susu (milk) and its hard to get milk here. Getting cheeses is like getting blood out of a stone!
The greatest thing of all happened though. The world cup has kicked off. Woo hoo football heaven. The only problem is that all the matches are late at nigt as the time difference here is about 7 odd hours. So I have had a few all nighters up watching the tv cheering on the abismal England. Come on THE CROUCH, I want to see the robot dance. Trinidad were bloody marvelous with Sir Sjaka Hislop pulling of a masterclass in goalkeeping. The Aussies got the loudest cheer from the Indo students who live above me. That was a social experiment and a half. As the Indos hate the japs, bloody hate them because of the war. But they are not too freindly with their neighbours accross the water in Oz. So who would they support as they went mental for South Korea when they beat the plucky Togo. But the Aussies got the loudest roof roaring cheer of all when they beat the japs. The streets were filled with people shouting and runing around. At one pint I thoughtthat they may even turn over a car or two. But before they could do any real celebrating they realised that they were Indonesian and went back to being boring and non spontaneous!! Strange country!
Tonight we play Trinidad and my lack of sleep in recent days ( the matches here are from 8pm - 10pm, 1pm-1am and then 2am to4 am. So as I get uyp at five to be at work I get one hour of sleep a night. Well its more like 45 minutes as the lady with the massive facial goitre starts to cook and fry shit outside my window at 4.30 am. Then the students rev up their bikes which are also parked out side my wobndow. Then I get up to discover that the bloody house cats, those pecky filthy bastard have pulled my washing off the line. Shat on it or once they blldo gave birth on my t shirts. Those kittens are mine by right now!!!!!
But what a feats of football we all have. I wont go on about it any more ut we did a sweep stake here and I got bloody Croatia. Come on the Craots wont do bugger all. My outside bet apart from obviouslt saying England is the Czechs as they sent the yanks tariling. Good jb too, we cant have those bloody yanks getting to the quarter finals again and people thinking that they are a force in world football. Bescides I have never forgiven them from calling our beloved football soccer!!!!
The England game was the only one I have ever watched in my adult life without a beer and on my own in the house. It was strange doign that and quite lonely!
Yesterday (14th June) we allhad an EAD at the buddhist temple in Malang. There we had a massive discussion about religion and as it transpires Indonesia is breaking one of the fundamental Human rights and all the Indosa are blinded by religion to see it. In Indonesia it is against the law to be an agbnostic or an athiest. You HAVE to have a religion. Therefore the freedom of choice, expression and belief are being ignored by the Indonesians. We tried to get into their bloody skulls that this wasnt right and that you should have the freedom to believe or not belive as the case may be. But the Islamic blinkers were on and they couldnt fathom out that any Indonesian would ever want to not be religfious. Thsat the blody point you morons, you dont give them the choice you make them have religion and its juts nopt on and not right. They then said that if you have no religion in Indonesia you are considered a communist and arrested as communism is illegal. Therefore I am a communist and will now call all the Indos comrade and wave a red flag all the time./ They are so sheltered here that they have no persepctive about the wider picture of life. it truly sickens me to think of a baby being born and then parents going. Right you are forever now on a Muslim and if you stop you will be arrested. It is sick and wrong!
The rest of the day we spent learning about the ways of the Buddhists and being shown around their glorius temple. Oh how wonderful it was the dragons with southend on sea gren lights for eyes. The lions guarding the entrances, the chinese symbols and writing everywhere. The smoke from all the many jossticks burning filled the air and then we were shown how to use acue pressure.
The man who guided us round a Pa Hanon was an expert at this and when he poked my arm in a certainplace it felt as though I had been struck by ighting.
We also had a session on meditation and he commented and said I was the 'deepest' out of the group. This meant that I achived it rather than falling asleep! I muts have when thinking about it as I followed his instrcutions and suddenyly it was time to get up. The time inbetween lapesd to me and felyt like only a few seconds!
At work I have been put and about with the blood bus or mobile unit to give its real name. We have visited many universities and institues and at each one. The large driver with the uber mullet Mr. Lamide with the long finger nails, the chairman maeo dress and the potched skin pimps for me. I get there set up and suddenly he has dissappeared only to reappear later with loads of Indoesian girls who 'want to speak to me'. No they juts want to see what a white man looke slike and poke him and ask the same questions aover and over and over again in pigin Englsih. I have been asked whether I am married so ma y times and then they giggle and say 'you very handsome man'. Now both men and women say this to me whioch is most confusing. But I am only handsome to them because I am different. My whiteness and hair looking like a banshees armpits makes them intrigued and want to know me!!!!!!!
Painting has been a constant source of fun this week. After the job we did at Pagelawan where we painted murals with water basde paint on the outside walls so they will come off when the rainy seasons come, then there was the YPAC antics and now finally Hoogie no show creme brulee's house. His host mother Bruindra who I call Brunhilda saw the photos of the murals at Pagelawan. The place where the school is so ramsghackle and falling down but the mosque next door is pristine, funny that! Anyway she saw the pictures and asked could we rokc up to hers and wield our brushes and cause trouble. We were given a lcense to kill and I painted a massive St. George wielding his big old sword on the wall with fluttering flags and banners waving in the breeze behind him. The one of the therepist at his house (I forgot to mention that his ost home doubles as a school for autistic kids) asked me to draw poo! Well I was juts about ready to start mixing a nuty brown when I realised that she was holding a picture of the poxy bleeding teletubbies and she ment can I draw and paint Po. Not poo. I explained what poo is as in Indonesia poo is a kind of food that looks slimy and comes in bags! I told her this and she seems most perturbed. But I also think that this was because standing on benches reaching up to paint my belt wasnt o tight enough and you could see my arse crack. On no not the flesh again, run for the hills Indos!! The finished mural looks great and all the time you ha dto suddenly jump down from your lofty position to catch a kid hurtling towards the paint pots. Some of the kids were absoltely adorable and one kept sticking his tongue out at me. Of course I was encouraging the little blighter to the annoyance of the therapist who was trying to tech him colours. One little kids came up to me and held my hand while I painted. His little grin spoke a thousand words!!!! When we left 3 kids waved and blew kisses to me!
Tomorrow is my last working day here in Indonesia before we fly out to Glasgow to start the UK leg of this 6 months global exchange. I feels odd to be leaving and the time has flown by so quickly. It feels like only yesterday when I was getting told off for bringing beer into an Islamic house and being accosted as my pants were visable. It seems strange to think that soon I will be home, well almost and havng ants nest in my shoes over night will be a thing of the past. British news papers will be a treat, even the dodgy ones. But the thing I am lookinf forward to the most apart from a damn good pint is none other than cheese!!!
So tomorrow is my last day and I have sorted out a wee surpirise for my workplacement. I have prepared a photo frame with pictures of London in it to present to them. Its onyl small but I have wriotten on it Terima Kasih which means thankyou. Matur nuwon also means thankyou but you can alomost sing terima kasih. I do this a lt when saying thankyou. I also in OEN today while pising around started doing a panty dance in front of the women wokign there juts to see their rection. They actually thought that I was dancing to the off key painist perfomring especially fior a group of old wrinkly Dutch people sitting on a central table. I have also have done the same with the framed picture postcards for my freaky incestious host family and the big boys in the gym who like nothing better than to give me deep feied bananas and to touch me up while I am in mid weight lift! This could cause trouble as some times there I am straining awyay in a skimpy vest trying to look as hard as nails when some geezer gooses me and I go 'ooooh' loudly and they al giggle and say ; ah London, london Arsenal yah'! The last framed card is for the man in OEN that serves us and always chats and is really friendlty, but the bad thing is that we have never learnt his name at all. So its too late now but he gets a thankyou carsd anyway.
My host father olf Pa Agung or 'Oweeeeee' as he likes to be know is nothing more than a lazy slob who sleeps on a mattress in front of the tv while I am watching spain demolish the uKraine warpped up and curled up in an almost clinch post coital position with his 21 year old daughetr. This is sick and wrong but they penly do things ike that. She even hands feeds hiom. When I say hand feeds him. He will sit on the floor wacthing the tv while she using her fingers scoops rice and meats into his mouth. In Indonesia you eat with your fingers but with someones elses give over a minute!
He went away paragliding orjuts being fat you decide? Anyway he buggered off and with that all the open house abusing bastards who tag along went away too. Therefore I was eft with some peace and quit. I would like to emphasis the some bit! But now he has returned tall those sods have rocked back up and they create havoc. Its back to the 'oooh look a white man, klets touch him and shout his name at any given moment to see what he does, lets even try and read his diary over his shoulder. Oh look hes getting angry, Ouch the Bule hit me!'. As soon as they all rocked back up they all suddenly took a liking to football and watched all the games shouting at the tv and havin no idea about the sport at all. That really annoys me as I love my football ist is my religion and these sods ruin it for me. Shouting goal when the shot sailed so high over the bar that it could clip an eagles wings! I juts cannot believe how lazy and gout like my host father is. I dont like cal;ling him my host father as I belive I live i rundown stuident accommodation where evryday I have to qwrite the number of items I put on the washing line on the back of my hand so I know when they are pinching my boxers. They bloody dop as well juts baceuse they are calvin kleins and Indos where silly little girly panties they nick by sodding undies. I cannot wait to catch the sods at it. Also when I get home from work I find athat all my washing on the line has been ripped off thrown in the muid and there washing is on the place where I left it. When I catch the little basterds I will actually throttle them. I can narrow it down to 2 people and thses two both compained to Pa Agung and his lazy ways that I was scary and unapproachable. Well I will aproach them all right and knocj their door down and remove their teeth with my bare hands if I cathc them again,. It would do them a favor as Indo teeth are rotten to little black stumps as they put about 6 table spoons, not teaspoons in their small cups of tea!!
The time has come for us to depat this land and I will miss it for its ideocyncasies and its bizarre sureraeal oddness and ther customs which want to make me scream. But I wont miss their uber OTT Islamic ways. The Indos wont know ehat hit them com Glasgow. Alcohol is a demon to them and they would never step foot in a pub. Also they are terified of dogs as if they are lciked by one they have to wash 7 times and one with mud! Therefore I was delighted to discover all about what I will be doing and where I will be living in Glasgiow. Also to my joy we have a small yappy dog. Ha ha Miftah is going to shit himself! In Glasgow I will be woking with Ennik the pigeon footed uber religious Indo.Her face was a picture when she discovered that she had to wotrk with the hedonistic uber fun lovuing drinking debauchery mad and silly as hell Brit. Oh she tried to fein pleasure but he face let her down. cannot wait to work with her and say Ennik 'ITS IMPOLIE' In a high pitch nmock Indo tone. She always is the first to criticise me when I do something as trivial as look at the food before I choose it and then she in her screeching of a voice with fingers bending backwards and long flowing skirts made from grandmothers velvet curtains says 'its impolite'. There are a few of the things which she has said are impoliote to me: scratching my belly, sneezing, saying 'ooh thats hot' when eating spicy food, looking at food before I choose what to eat, saying that an idea is ludicrous and the pierce de resistance caloing Anhah Annie all the time. I cannot wai to say. Have you been scratching your arse clean again Ennik, is there risidual poo under your finger nails. Your velvet skirt is im polite, itrs all impolite your in Britain now love its our gaff our rules get over it your sheltered bint. Oh how I want to do in her voice those words that irritate me so.
Its also true that Indos to clean their arses aftyer a release of chocolate hostages wipe it with their hands. Daisy had to do a demonstration (clotehs on of course) about using toilet paper as they wre all perplexed by the sight of it! Britain will kill them all. Miftah reckons he can handle it as he has been oj a course! I would love to have sat in on that load of bollocks. It was probably an indoctrination course about howe evil our western ways are!
What I have discovered about Glasgo is that I am working for the Princes trust will all sorts of people from refugees and asylum seeksre to kids with ASBO's. Rock on its gotta be loads better than the un English speaing silliness of PMI. Even though I am not working with old Miffy chub chubs I am still living with him. I am staying in Maryhill a notoriusly bad area of Glasgow and guess what I am about a mile from a place where there was a racial muder not long ago. Therefor the reason they put us in this location was because they wanted two people who could handle themselves if any trouble came up. Now that perplexes me as old Miftah screamed like a bady when he was being massaged by a blind bloke and when the man with the bad teeth but the ironicly charming smile acue pressured him. Therefore I think he wil start too runand scream at the slighetset sign of truble. I think he will spend all his free time in the host home. The host home and the new host family consists of an Irish lady. Who apprantly is a proper scream and like s adrink or two. Rock on. Also we have seperate rooms in our flat so no snoring Miftah for me!
Well I better finish up all this tripe soon. Lastly I want to telkl you that they love to sell randopm wigs in shops and the shop keepers get mighty annoyed when I try them on and also the Indos have expressed loads of fears about coming to Glasgow, but the best of all was Ennik saying that we needed to get a boat to Glasgow as it was on som island off the coast of Ebngland. No love thats Ireland. I know scotlandf and ireland have Land in their names but they are different ok! Its juts like Indoland but colder love!
So tomorrow is my last day at work and the ost family and vo,lunteer placemet review where they come in and tell the project superfishmongers about whet we have achieved and all that tosh and rummy!
So til I write again, watch the world cup and tonight at 11pm Indo time England play Trinidad and Dwight Yorke Tobago. Coem on your 3 lions. Pull your finger out sven and make some attacking substitutions for a cghange and leave Owen Hargreaves on the bloody bench.
Rock on England!
Take care and have fun and remember this random fact! The Ivory Coast international football goalkeeper Jean Jacques Tizie has only got one bollock!!!!
Loads of love and pants dances



Post a Comment

<< Home