Friday, May 26, 2006

Indonesia or bust 8

Party on my lord!!
Grit your teeth and run as fast as you can. Discover that ven though your arse is ready to dribble its contents down your legs you can almots break the sound barrier as you barge into the nearest loo, shove the Indo off the squat toilet and explode everywhere. Nice!
Now grab that paper which just so happens to be a printout of my last email.
You have guessed it, its that time of the months when Ben gets to rant about all the lunacy that goes on in the land of no alcohol.
It's Indonesia or Bust number 8. Rock on!
The entire group is suffering from a terrible illness, this illness makes you meloncholy and seem fatigued. It is none other than Post-MPR mount bromo sickness. You see we had the fun, excitement and surreal times and now it is back to work, and no play here in Malanag. The place where VSO wont allow you to evencross the road as we are not insured and it is too dangerous. I am gtiing annoyed with all this beaurocratic bollocks really. I did so many hair raising things in Africa that VSO would have had a heart attack if they could have seen me naked with the tribes. But here its a whole new story and I feel to be frank too old and travelled for this programe. I hate the feeling of being trapped in this city. Indonesia is so vast ans holds so many treasures that would make your eyes light up like Southend sea front on a chav convention. But we are not allowed to see them. Borobudur, the worlds largest and mots monumentally impressive Buddhist temple has been deemed too far. Too far my prevervial backside! I could bet there and back easily in two days, but will we be allowed, will I f#*k!
I hate to maon but its just gets to me that I could do som much and cant. Work for the Red Cross is now getting on my nerves. They asked me to write a proposal to Geneva and the International Red Cross and Red Creseant movement HQ pleading for funds. So I wrote a 6,700 plus word ducument for them. I used their computers and saved it. The next day that document and only that document, not the photos that I had saved in the same file had been deleted. The recycle bin emptied to boot. Someone obviously deleted it on purpose or by accident. Now I can noarrow it down to one person as it was their in the morning and they asid they tred to open it. That means the silly Indo actually deleted the f**cking thing and hasnt the gall to admit it to me. So with that I was annoyed and went off to work with the mobile blood donor unit. This in itself is a joke, but at leasdt I learn how to put needles in random peoples arms!!
The Indonesians in the group are now getting odder and odder by the day. Not only do they think that when a group of Brits including myself sneak off t the only bar tht serves Bintang beer, that we are all having a giant orgy, but they also are scared of me. Absolutely petrified. They feel that if I am not smiling then I am scary and unaproachable. Other than that they also think we are alcoholics and drug abusers. They are influenced by American movies and the sex thing absolutely stuns me as Indonesians are all virgins until they marry and have no concept of sex at all. I know this as I sat in on a sex eductaion talk. They used in that talk pictures of plants and polluntaion to explain reproduction, not a condom was mentioned!
Let me now get away from my moaning and tell you about something that made me want to cry. It was 2am and my alarm went off. I walked out of my house and sat on a blanket in the sreet as a old man wheeled out a rustic looking television set and plugged it into a long extension cable. The extension cable sparked and vibrated as though mice had chewed holes in it, but the TV kicked into life and then Jens Lehmann was sent off. My heart sank, but when Big Sol scored I was up at the early hour and running around shouting 'BIG SOL I LOVE YOU'. All the Indonesians who were up seemed to be supporting Barcelona and also none of them had not got a clue about football. They didnt even care as they mostly all left at helf time. But why support Barcelona. They all copied the commentators words and came accross as bad parrot impersenators. 'Henry, Eto'o, Almunia', parots the lot of them. BUt my dream of seeing my beloved Arsenal reign in Europe was cruched by the cruel goals which would never have been conceeded if Sir Jens was still on the park. When the final whiostle went then people who had wondered off then decided to come back and start celebratibng. The basterds ran up to me and danced around me. How I didnt windmill in and dish out Glasgow kisses to all involved I will never know. The rest iof the night I couldnt sleep, not because I wa upset about the resul (which I was) but Miftah's snoring in the room has got to an all time high. He snores like there is a bloody train going past your window. I now know what sleep deprivation feels like.
Apples, cockrels and naughtiness....
A few intrepid exploreres went to the 'Apel' gardens where I was amaized to see cider. Oh it couldnt be so good could it, real cider in Asia. But alas it wa piss weak apple juice with a hint of alcohol! But before we went off to steal bag loads of fruit (my host family never gives me any fruit or veg, no wonder he is a diabetic)we had an infamous team meeting!
this meeting was where we could all air our opinions about the 'team'. I waited patiently for my turn and then let rip. But I let rip in the mots subtle and restrained manner. I juts said that I do not believe taht the team can get any better and we are all forgetting one major fact. We are all individuals and no matter how much bloody bomding you do, there will never be a united Global Xchange team which the Indos think it will become. You wil aways have two groups: Adventurous Brits and boring Indos. The Indonesians actaully said that when we get to Glasgow they expect that as it is in Britain we wont want to see anything at all and will sit at home. Not on your nelly you plimpsole fools. We will be even more active as this time we dont have to have you lot transalting (badly) for us. If we could speak Indo then qwe would have done so much. The Indonesians also forget that they have learnt English from a very young age, we do not earn Indo as it is not a predominant world language! That was basically a small part of my rant, not too harsh and fully justifiable. The Brits all agree with me, although they did smile as I went off on one of my forced posh voiced rants with cockney thrown in for good measure.
Bt the worst thing about the Indonesian way of life which I juts canot and never will understand is the fact that all they seem to want to do id go home and sleep. Us Brits want to explore all the sights but even though they are in a city far from home they dont want to explore and see anything. They also take so many really poor photos of everything. For example no Indo went into a waterfall when at the MPR, but they all took photos and posed in front of the water for the camera. When asked why they didnt go in, they said that it is because it is juts not exciting fotr them. But when questioned further it is more like they are all shit scared of water and cant swim (they are also scared of dogs too) and none had ever een to this waterfall before. I juts dont and never will understand it!!!!
So then the Batu apple gardens. Batu is a city near malang , well re of a big town really and it is high up in the mountains. So not only was it a lot milder, but it was raining elephnsts and rhinos when we got there. The plan was to enter and steal as much fruit as physically possible. So off I went and filled my bags. But as with all places where people go in Asia, they had forlorn looking monkeys in cages juts asking to be set free. Well the monkeys were rabid looking and had padlocks on their cages, but I set the hoghorn leg horns out and gave a big boy his freedom.
Then two of us on our pilfering challenge stole two animal signs in the chicken area!!!
Day 53 Thurday 25th May
It has been a long time since I emailed or wrote a blog. So today I will sit down and write all that needs to be said.
I would like to now rant on about those litle tings that makes me want to scream at Indonesia and educate them all. The first item on my rant is known as the communal toilet comb. Yes this disgusting scalp and nit infested comb can be found in all toilets in Indonesia. Why dont they juts say hey lets spread our disesases. I am so put off my this as it is a prime example of the Indonesian blindness. TYhey are mostly all Muslims and have to wash over and over again before praying, but they dont mind sharing hair germs with each other. They juts miss the point compleatly! No wonder the Dutch handed this odd country back!
I am getting rather pissed off with the backwards attitudes in this country, mostly they all span from Religion that rules their every movement. Not only does it control, but it prevents anyone from having fun. When we go to Glasgow the Indo's will get one massive culture shock and declared that we are in Hades!
For example in Indonesia you can go to prison for buying cannabis. In Britain we juts conviscate it and say 'naughty, naughty'. But here in Indoland an ustralian woman is facing 8 years in prison for attempting to buy an ounce. That is for only attenmpiting to buy it. Bloody hell imagine the punishment if you were peddling it. But as all drugs are bad monsters in the eyes of Indonesians they do also miss the point yet again. One of the Indo volunteers said to their British counterpart that cannabis can be medicinal as it makes you hungry. Ever heard of the munchies love!!! Thye indonesians do not stop at drugs when they have their weird opinions. They also think that tampons are evil. Yes they use masive granny pads and many of the UK girl contingents have expressed their shock when an Indonesian girl asked where it went and then proclaimed loudly 'how can you do that to yourself' and 'does it hurt', I have never met suc a backwards race!
But on a lighter note they have a packet of crispc out here called 'happy toss', they do taste rather salty!
So let me now move away from my rant and onto what has been going on in the life o Ben. Yesterday was the Red Cross event called the Konser Bhakti, this is a massive fund rasier and all those who join in raise money to fund the Red Cross within the city of Malang. The event had a thing on the stage called the 'Gayo Ben show'. This turned out to be the worst possible bands i the world ever. It roughly trnaslated as comedy bands and they mullered songs by Quens. They didnt even know the lyrics and thought that they were Finnish monster rockers. Of course the comedy bands were all dressed up and looked atrocious. One lot were all dressed in drg. This is odd as bands in drag, ladyboys, but no sex education at all. Three of us went to the cinema the other day and when a woman on the screen showed off a bit of flesh the men mear us went 'ooooooohhhh' like they were creaming their pants. So very odd! The other two bands were all dressed up in flouresecent loud flares and the lead singer tried o strutt like Jagger but all his did was look like a chicken with hemeroids. It wasnt my cup of tea at all. The only people who seemed to enjoy it were the kids who ran to the front of the stage as the poor poor bans were giving out sweets.
The nest part of the days activities wre a massive work out. Suddenly all these pink clad people ran to the area in front of the stage and two complete dicks let a work out lesson where they made them all do air guitar!
Tis was too much for me but as soon as I had though that I had escaped getting involved Rudy and the Red Cross ladies dragged me into the frenzy. I couldnt believe it as some people were really going for ir. A woman in leopard skin leggins as shaking her arse so violently taht It could have taken an eye out. Also the men in lycra was juts sick and wrong!
The reason that we were at this event was to fundraise for the upcoming CAD's. This was done by all sorts of little sideshow stalls. We had a beat the keeper competition, facepaints by the resident artiste Ben who I hasten to add had cool braided hair. I muts have painted so many faces that day. They all wanted little Indo and Brits flags on their cheeks. Then some group were obsesed with some drug bottle logo and wanted up their arms. Then they had the audacity to say tat it wasnt green enough! Oddly enough for a country that hates Japan so much, many people wanted the flag of the rising sun! We sold cakes, had a guess the sweets in the jar competition and also sold off my final London 7op snowglobe and my final London teddybear. Intotal we made a shedloads of cash. It wasnt a lot but Indo money is near useless so it was a lot of paper!
Also for an EAD about conservation we all went to the pictureques waterfall of Cuban Rondo. The waterfall means widow falls as apparantly two ancient warriors battled to the death leaving their widows behind them, therefore widow falls was born. After a long and bumy trip where we discovered that the Indonesian name for pine tree is 'penis' we arrived and stretched our legs.
Cuban ondo is a large managed park and guess what? It had two elepahnts that I fondledand got in some good trunk fiddlign action. When an elepahnts blows at you it is almots enouight to make you stagger backwards. I have seen elephnats in the wild and they are massive powerful and destructive beats, but I have never touched an elephants until now. I felt so sorry as they were both chained to the groud and their keepers were beating them to sit down and stand up etc. Indonesians are really cruel with their animals. But even thought they tie up elephants, beat them and also makes monkeys dance. They still find it in themselves to complain when I kicked a cat that made me drop loads of glass all over my feet!
The actual waterfall itself was too shallow to swim in and the water falling from above was so powerful that it looked like it would cut you open if you got too close. Of course I dipped my feet into the cool rfreshing waters, but as it was cold and we were up at a higher altitude where the temperature had dropped that was about as adventurous as I would go.
We had some sort of crystal maze challenge to find some hidden fags. One was hidden in a puddle and another on top of a rock in the river. I spotted it and raced accross the rocks to vistory! Oh what a game!
So that concludes my 8th installment. I am actually geting tired of all the bolocks in this country. I get told off all the time for doing things that are so small but they upset epeoples religion. For example I had my boxer shorts on the line drying. Therefore as they cover the penis they are evil and should be kept ut of sights, this causde Miftah to lodge an official complaint about me. Now how the f**k am I supposed to know that when no bugger tells me what is good and what is bad! I thyink Indonesians need to drop the religion and live a little. Glasgow will freak them out. Or as Miftah put it 'I am prepared for Glasgow as I went on a course" nice one!
So I will leave you all with the news that some bright spark deleted all my wrk opff the Red Cross computer. So obviously they didnt want the money I was trying to raise for them. Well done Indonesia, another fine mess you have gotten yourself into. No wonder the Dutch washed their hands with you.
Sleep tight my cheubs
Peace and Love


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